Matthew 11:28-30

Today I had a anxiety attack in Relief Society and I had to leave early. I have not had this happen for some time. I used to get these attacks regularly when in social situations. Tonight as I lay in bed I was reflecting on this incident and remembering the Sunday school lesson about Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, "Come unto me all ye that are .....heavy laden and I will give you rest." I know that when I remember to rely on the Lord when I really ask him to take away my burdens and make them light he helps me. In this case he has helped me to gain some perspective. I need to be more gentle with myself and not take on so much responsibility for things I have no control over. That is hard for me. I like to be in control. The truth though is that control is a myth. God is the one in control, he gives us the ability to make choices and he lets us try our hand at control, but really our joy comes when we let go of that control and put our lives in His hands. I am not good at that. I have to be constantly reminded to have faith enough to let go. The other part of that scripture is; "take my yoke upon you" I picture oxen pulling a wagon like in the pioneer days. The yoke around the oxen is the kind of yoke Jesus is referring to here. I realized that when we try to carry those burdens ourselves we are like one ox trying to pull the wagon by ourselves. When we take the yoke with Christ we have His help to pull that same wagon. Our burden becomes light that we can then pull the load. I have been heavy laden for many months now with burdens about finances, work, church callings, and family challenges. I am weary and have need of help. I have from time to time during these months relied on Heavenly Father to ease those burdens and He has done so. I just forget to do this on a daily basis and then I let things pile up and I get tired and become vulnerable to the buffetings of Satan. I know Satan is real and is working really hard on me right now, why now I don't know, maybe just because I am vulnerable and he wants me to fall. I do know this he will not win! One of my good and bad traits is stubbornness. I am just stubborn enough to try again when I get knocked down. So here goes another day and I pray it will be a great one!

The Princess Bride

Last night my husband and I decided to watch "The Princess Bride" as our date. We hadn't seen it for a while so it was like watching it with fresh eyes. As I watched the show I began to compare the characters to political figures. I definitely saw Prince Humperdink as Barrak Obama. I think that maybe Princess Buttercup is "America" and those setting out to save her are "we the people". Sort of a crude resemblance but it was fun to see how closely Prince Humperdink resembles our current president. He tells us what we want to hear (just as he did with Princess Buttercup)then does something else completely different. I like the line when he is telling his right hand man, "I am busy, I have my wedding to plan, my wife to kill and Gilder (a neighboring country) to frame for it." Wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall in President Obama's secret meetings. I think it would sound much like the conversations in this movie. Check it out. Watch the movie and see if you can see the resemblence between Barrak Obama and Prince Humperdink.

Politics

I am new at being politically aware. I became more active in this last Presidential election where I was very disappointed in the results. I can understand why some people believed in Barack Obama, he is carismatic. So if you voted for him but are now disallutioned you are in good company. I am stunned by his lack of leadership and his actions, or rather lack thereof, in several crisis situatuons. The "underware" bomber at christmas time, his response was delayed. The New York central park bomber, his reluctance to call this person a terrorist. Now the Oil spill in the Gulf, do you really think he is doing all he can to help clean up that situation? These are just the obvious ones. I know this sounds crazy but I am beginning to believe that there is a conspiracy to ruin this country and President Obama is a pawn in that game. I believe that the head of that conspiracy is the enemy of this world from the beginning. I do not know all the flesh and blood players, but I am sure that there are many. I do not think that attacking this at the political level is the best way to combat this enemy. Of course we do need to do all we can to preserve our nation, but what will preserve this country? The Book of Mormon has the answer to that question, just look up land in the index and you will find 39 scriptures about this land we live on being a choice land. The scripture I want to point out states: "...this is a choice land, and whatsoever nation shall possess it shall be free from bondage, and from captivity, and from all other nations under heaven, if they will but serve the God of the land, who is Jesus Christ..." Ether 2:12. (see also 2Nephi 1:7: Mosiah 29:32) The way we combat this enemy and restore our land is by obedience to Gods laws. Read the Scriptures, modern and ancient. Read the history books about our great nation in modern times.(well modern is since the 1700's)Listen to the news and make judgements for yourself. Listen to people who have studied and who have done the reaserch. Ok I can't believe I am saying this but listen to Glen Beck. I can only take him in small doses but really listen to what he is saying, if you can get to the meat of his message through all the hype, what you will hear is a cry for a return to the values of our founding fathers. I am not comparting him (Beck) to the prophets or considering him as one but, he is searching for the truth, for answers to the problems of our nation. Because of Mr Beck I am learning about Progressives, I never ever even heard of that before. I looked it up online and found that this movement started after the civil war. I had no idea it had been around that long. On the surface their ideals sound very good. You could even make a case that the founding fathers were progressives, in that they were fighting a system of government that repressed the masses. Here is some information I found online about progressiveism:
Progressivism - in U.S. history, a broadly based reform movement that reached its height early in the 20th cent. In the decades following the Civil War rapid industrialization transformed the United States. A national rail system was completed; agriculture was mechanized; the factory system spread; and cities grew rapidly in size and number. The progressive movement arose as a response to the vast changes brought by industrialization. .....In state after state, progressives advocated a wide range of political, economic, and social reforms. They urged adoption of the secret ballot, direct primaries, the initiative, the referendum, and direct election of senators. They struck at the excessive power of corporate wealth by regulating railroads and utilities, restricting lobbying, limiting monopoly, and raising corporate taxes. To correct the worst features of industrialization, progressives advocated worker's compensation, child labor laws, minimum wage and maximum hours legislation (especially for women workers), and widows' pensions. http://education.yahoo.com/reference/encyclopedia/entry/38650)
This all sounds good doesn't it. Progressive, even the word sounds like a good thing. From my small amount of information,Social reform, sticking up for the little guy seems to be their main agenda. That looks good doesn't it when you think of it that way, isn't that how our country was founded? We left the big bad King to come seek our fortune in a free society. Oh wait, we came here for religious freedom, for freedom of thought, for freedom to "seek our fortune". We didn't come here to be supported by the "government". In fact that is what we were getting away from, wasn't it? There is a truth that when you are in debted to someone they have control over your life.(lack of freedom) Just look at the people who are on welfare, are they free, or do they belong to the "government"? Aren't these people are just modern day serfs? Which is excactly what our ancesters were getting away from. Crazy isn't it!
(This last part has been a rambling off the cuff thinking as I write. I think though that this kind of thinking is when I come to true conclutions. Like making the correlation between serfs and welfare recipients. Brillient don't you think? lol.)
Back to the serious and important stuff though... most importantly, you need to pray. Pray for our nation, for our president, for our congress for yourself and your family. Pray for truth in your own life. Don't take anyone elses word for it just pray to find out for yourself to have your own peace of mind on these issues. Remember that you are significant. You can make a difference in your own sphere of influence. What you do does matter. Be honest, do your best in your work, do what you can to contribute to your community. Be active. Even if you just teach your own children about truth and how to find it you are doing this nation (and them) a great service. I for one will continue to seek truth where ever I can find it. I will also seek out the ability to be self sufficient. My dream is to have a home that is completely self sustained. I think in that way the Amish have a leg up on the rest of us. They don't need anyone else to survive, certainly not the "government".

Faith

Have you ever felt like your in a dark tunnel? You can feel that the light is near but you can't see it. That is how I feel right now. I know that the things I am concerned about in my life right now will have a good end. I am just about to the light. I will soon know the direction that the next chapter in my life will take. In Alma 32:21 it says:...if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen which are true. The hard part about having faith is that you can't see what is up ahead. I think my faith is being tested right now because I wake up every morning and I have to put myself in the Lords hands just to get throught the day. I know things will work out because he is takeing care of me. I am doing all that I am capable of doing to solve the issues that worry me, so I know he will do the rest and however it all turns out it will be for the good. Deep breathing helps too! Today I am just exhausted it has been a long week. Full of emotional, physical and mental challenges. I am rising to the occation, but first I think a little rest is in order. I can only take the elephant one bite at a time.

Positive Thinking

Are you a positive person? I used to think I was a very positive person, but it turns out that I tend toward the negative. How do you know when you are being negative? I have found myself lately being very aware of my thoughts and my beliefs. Much of what I think is critical. I think critically about peoples behavior, about the way groups are organized, about leaders (community, country work etc.), you name it if it effects my life in any way I have an opinion about how it SHOULD be. This I am learning is negative. I would not want others to think of me in this way. So I am learning to look at people and situations in a different way. I am learning to look at situations from a perspective of Love. It's more a feeling that I get. When I look at life through the eye of criticism I feel angry, agitated, contentious. When I make a choice to change my perspective and look at life through the eye of Love, I feel peaceful, happy, contented. If I can monitor how my thoughts make me feel I can then determine if I am looking at the situation in a way that is helpful. There is a saying, "what you put out you get back" that is so true. I have felt criticized and persecuted for much of my life. I didn't like to be around people because I always thought they were judging me. I was a victim. Now to be fair I was a victim as a very young child. I was the victim of childhood sexual abuse. This did shape my way of looking at life. This past year I was able to truly forgive the person who did this to me as a child. I was finally able to give my pain, anger, frustration, guilt etc, all of it to The Lord. I cannot even describe how much freedom this has given me. It has been a long journey for me. I looked for peace in many places. I found peace in Jesus Christ. Now that I have this weight off my shoulders I am able to work on other parts of my life like this part of learning to look at life through the eye of Love. This also requires me to seek the help of my Savior. I have found that in anything that I do I can look to Him for the answers. This wasn't supposed to be a post about Jesus, but I find that I cannot separate anything in my life from Him or my Heavenly Father. I did not intend for this post to go in that direction, yet here we are. I actually love that I find myself writing about how Jesus helps me in my life. I used to think that we have to struggle through everything in our lives, that we have to "go through the pain" I now find myself wondering if we are listening to the wrong voices, there is so much so called wisdom in the world and I think we are following the worldly wise, when instead we could just simply "look to God and live". When Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness many were unable or unwilling to look because of the simpleness of the task. Do we make that same mistake in our lives? Do we forget who gave us life, who gives us breath every day? It IS really that simple but we let the wisdom of men cloud our ability to simply have faith and rely on the God who gives us life. I am reading Leviticus, in that book there are so many complex laws and rules that the children of Israel have to follow. I think that God gave those complex rules and laws to them because this is what they wanted. They were used to Egypt where the Idol worshippers had complex ways and means of worshipping their idol gods. The children of Israel had to be taught to worship the True God and so He taught them in the way that they would understand, he created complex way for them to worship him, while if they were able to see they would have realized that all of those rituals pointed to the Savior of the World, even Jesus who would come in the meridian of time. We too must look to Christ, but he has now come and has already atoned for our sins, fears, weakness', etc. You name it He has already been there and he can take ours away if we will trust him. To those of you out there who say that is to simplistic. OK, go ahead and wander in the wilderness for forty years to get to a place that could have taken you only a few weeks. That is your journey and you will hopefully come to the same place I have come, which is the land of milk and honey. That said I am not perfect, by a long shot. I have just been able to grasp a truth that helps me deal with the challenges of life as they come. I am more able to partake in the Atonement because I am willing to ask Heavenly Father for help. I go to Him first, I am learning to listen and learning to follow. First I had to give up my strangle hold on "I do it myself". I listened to a child say that recently and I saw how I was doing the same thing with my Heavenly Father; he knows best, he sees the beginning from the end and if I want to "do it myself" he will let me, but if I ask for his help he will give it to me. Just like the little child who says "I do it myself", what mother wouldn't let the child do it his way and find out for himself that his mom was right.

Parenthood

There is an old saying, families get together at weddings and funerals. Well with my family that is pretty much true. We have a family reuinon every two years but I haven't been able to make it to one for a few years. There are eleven kids in my family. I am more connected to my sisters than to my brothers. I have a few sisters that I keep in touch with more than others. I haven't been really close to my dad since my mom died about twenty years ago. But lately I have been more connected with my family. My Dad turned ninty in December. Nine of us(out of 11) were able to make it to Arizona where my Dad lives to celebrate his birthday. I had a wonderful time and got to know my Dad's wife better. I came to really love her on that trip. Then in March Verdell (dads wife) fell and broke her hip. Another opportunity for me to serve my dad came so I flew out to help my Sister get his affairs in order and help him get settled in an Assisted Living home. This seemed the best option since daddy couldn't live alone and Verdell would need help when she got out of the hospital. Verdell was not doing well her hip did not heal well and she kept getting infections. Finally though they did release her from the hospital to the Asssisted Living home. She was there for two weeks and she was still not back to her usual self. Then last tuesday I got a call that Verdell passed away. I felt so bad for daddy. My dad has outlasted three wives. I think Verdell was his last one although my sister joked that maybe he would get married again. I worry about him. His body is in good shape but his memory is going. He doesn't remember things. I think he is getting used to the place he is living now, but for weeks he would wake up in the middle of the night and call my sister to ask "where am I" He can't drive anymore but he doesn't remember that and he thinks someone stole his car. I worry about him being alone. When Verdell was there and healthy she was so good. She was there to help him remember the small things that he would forget. She was always familiar and I think she provided an anchor for him. Now he doesn't have that and he will have to grieve her. I fear he will be greiving over and over since he does not remember that she is dead. He thinks she is just gone out or something. It is hard to watch him like this. I am thankful that many family members will be able to make it out for Verdell's funeral and some will be able to stay after to lend support. I think I have been more connected to my dad during all of this than I have felt for some time. It is true that we feel connected to people when we serve them. Well this is titled parenthood and I was thinking of how we start out as parents to our own children. In my case my kids had two moms. Then we grow old and our children have to become our parents. All of us (my brothers and sisters) have different ideas about how to handle the situation, so it is kind of like there are eleven different parents trying to take care of one kid. It is different though because the "kid" is our dad and he is not innocent like a child, he has experienced independance and now that some of that is being taken away by his the circumstance of his health it is harder on him and everyone. How do you help him to keep his dignity and as much of his independence as possible, while at the same time keeping him safe? We have different ideas about that, but I trust that it will all work out in the end and it is a good opportunity for us to reconnect with each other and our dad, and each other.

Losing Faith

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you are drowning? Maybe you owe money to someone that you cannot pay, you have gotten in over your head. Maybe you are worried about a family member or a friend. Maybe your kids are just being holy terrors that day and you wish you could just escape being a parent. I think we all have some kind of trials in our lives that test us to our limits. Yesterday was such a day for me. In reflecting on what made me break down I think it is because for a little while I lost faith. I didn't remember that I have a loving Heavenly Father who has been taking care of me and who has sustained me in similar trials. I went strait to panic. I was distraught off a on all day. Thankfully I have a good friend who helped me get things back into perspective. I also was listening to Christian radio and there was a program that made me realize that I was not trusting in the Lord as I have in the past and that is why I had lost peace. I was also very tired my sleep has been interupted quite a lot lately and that is a major contributor. I am thankful that by the end of the day I was back on track, feeling good about my life and the world around me. I know that there is nothing that my Heavenly Father cannot handle and when I trust in him to sustain and guide me I can have peace even with the wolf knocking at my door. A few years ago I would have been thrown into a deep depression. I would have taken to my bed for weeks. I was raised with the teachings of Jesus, but I have not understood how to use them in my life until recently. I know what stood in my way of accepting His love, it was a feeling of unworthiness. It has taken me this long to realize that none of us is worthy of his love, but he loves us anyway. I am still not worthy of His love, but now I can accept that I am not worthy and put my trust in Him to lead me. Letting go of trying to control everything is so freeing. I realize that there is only one thing I can control, that is me and my choices. I also realize that there are no trials in this life that I am not able to handle, as long as I take my Heavenly Fathers hand and let him lead me along. Do I forget that sometimes? Yes! Will I have another melt down sometime, Yes I will. Why? Because I am an imperfect human and that is why I need my Savior.